I PUT AN END TO OUR RELATIONSHIP BUT IT ONLY GOT BETTER

I put an end to our relationship, but it only got better;

Because we now relate with each other on our terms.

The one I offended did not stay offended,

I'm glad he got to see myself.

Was going to apologize, but then I remembered

The reason behind my actions last December—

You can't keep losing to win people,

But it wasn't all plain and simple, I still had to deal with guilt.

But then I got his message and felt old resentments,

But then it quickly went away:

An opportunity to bury the hatchet,

I grabbed it with both hands!

Later, in person, I apologised,

Water under the bridge, under the bridge,

I put an end to our relationship,

But then it only got better!

©el-iyanu

This depicts the story of a testy relationship that got on my nerves for years. Last year, with some amount of disrespect, I carefully put an end to it. But then he reached out this year, I'm glad the dynamic had changed. Now, we both understand that I dance to my own tunes (by God's grace, and no one else's!) But more than anything, I'm glad he reached out, and presented me an opportunity to bury the hatchet.

THE THINGS WE DON'T WANT TO DO

Temptations come from every corner,

But in God, grace is abundant.

The things we don't want to do,

Calling out for us to do.

Easy to get caught in the web of life,

Struggling with things that seem alive—

Things from which we hide ourselves,

But we seem to find nonetheless!

We said we fell the last time,

Promised to do better next time—

We've sworn our lives to God,

His abundant love a raging flood!

The demons keep calling from time to time,

But we can't defeat them without God;

Sometimes we find ourselves to fall,

But we find strength again from his love!

Found myself falling to darkness,

My help was in living up to God—

Knowing that I made some mistakes,

I was able to conquer at the third!

Who we are can lead us astray,

Our personality driving us away—

Curiosity eating away our resolve,

But in God, our darkness dissolves!

So, when you find yourself in the wrong situation,

Kick yourself and try again—

Yes, you have your standards to live up to,

But God's standard will never change!

©el-iyanu

LIFE IS LIKE HEAVEN FOR THE THINKING MAN

Life is like heaven for the thinking man,

You could spend all day thinking

And think you did something productive;

You could spend all day doing nothing

And think you did something productive—

Alas, life is like heaven for the thinking man!

This morning I had work to do,

Worst case scenario, I get to miss a class.

Alas, it was a Test, 

And I was mad at first!

My face was tight, and my emotions tense—

I said to myself: indeed, I have no friends!

Like nobody's with me like I am with them,

It's one reason I don't like to have friends,

Because you begin to expect from them,

But even without expecting, you're still expecting!

But life is a choice,

You either make your bed or you lie on it!

I thought a lot about the matter,

Even though I put it behind my mind.

I thought a lot about my kind,

Would I have gone the extra mile?

Even though sometimes I usually do,

What would I have done any better?

It's the little things that bring me close,

It's also them that drive me mad!

I thought a lot about the matter,

Poked it here and pushed it there,

If roles were reversed,

What would I have done better?

Even though I sometimes go the extra mile,

I know sometimes I can be unkind.

I know that people can feel flustered,

I know we can be overwhelmed,

I know I can go on and on,

Wiping all the chalk like a duster—

So I thought to myself:

Life is like heaven for the thinking man,

He could spend all day thinking of doing nothing,

And think he did something productive.

Life is like heaven for the thinking man,

But a single productive action

Is better than a million thoughts! (No?)

Or could be better than? (Yes?) You see?

You see I see three sides of a fence,

Sometimes I don't like to conclude (and I love to think!)

But I was mad and disappointed,

I said to myself, I have no friends...

©el-iyanu

Recently, I've come to realize how much I enjoy reclining, doing nothing. And how difficult it is sometimes, to come out of my thoughts and make things happen. I realized sometimes that my ideas are good, but I often lack the execution, or second-guess and over think myself out of the equation again. But I know for a fact how much I enjoy reasoning, it's like I should never stop. Indeed, ideas are the real currency, but executing them are also important.

As for this, piece, it was birthed from my constant turning of the morning's disappointment. I couldn't be reached for a test, because I was otherwise engaged and my phone battery was low, and the other's network was out of range. One person tried to reach me. (I saw the notification couple of hours later.) Made me wonder if I would have tried harder or something. Or what anyone could have done better. Something similar had happened before, and happening again was a bit too much to take.

Tried not to fault anyone, but it was disappointing nonetheless. After hearing the alternative, though, I moved on pretty quickly, there was a job to be done, but I guess it still played on my mind. But such is life, we live and learn, and sometimes we get lost in our thoughts, enjoying thinking even more than making decisions or doing anything else. We agonise over the process rather than take decisive action sometimes. 

That's what makes life like heaven for the thinking man, we don't want that moment to ever stop, even shy away from making decisions till it resolves itself, or something triggers us to move, even enjoying that bittersweet agony of painful thoughtfulness. It all happens to the best of us, I guess. But I think it's best to take decisive action as well. Peace.

I wrote this piece yesterday, late at night, I  got this picture from a dear friend (Fuego's) status on WhatsApp this evening. It seemed to make perfect sense as well on the theme of heaven for the thinking man.

FUNNY

Proud as you are, I still look down on you;

It's funny, now that it's no longer painful.

©el-iyanu

Smiles... One of the ways I know I've matured a bit and outgrown some emotions that used to make me sad. The pain of wanting to connect with people who don't need or care for your connection. Eventually, I came to understand that we just have to take people how they are. In a way, I'm sorry for them and the things they miss out, but then we all make our choices, and everyone has their reasons. Can look back now and laugh, the sadness is not quite as sharp.

SILENT BUT ANGRY

Angry but silent,

Silent but angry

Was I dishonoured

Or was I proud?

I know my worth

I paid my dues

The issue on ground

What can I deduce?

Could I have done better,

What about them?

Angry but silent,

Silent but angry, 

But then, 

We talked about it.

©el-iyanu

Similar to "Pride and Pain." Still wonder if I did the right thing. Still think about it now. Was my last chance to participate in the general school games, but I didn't for various reasons. Somehow vindicated, but wondering if I could have just pushed through regardless. Like when you stay away, but nobody fights or pushes for you until it's all done. Besides, I'm not a kid, didn't enjoy feeling like an afterthought, or being a burden to someone for something I can't afford. It's a complicated story though, but I still wonder.

PRIDE AND PAIN

Pride and pain

I'm not insane

Pride and pain

In this game

Lost a lot

Lots to gain

Pride and pain

Learn their manners

Know my worth

Pride and pain

Pride and pain

In this game

No pain no gain...

©el-iyanu

Sometimes, I deliberately behave indifferent just to see how some people behave. As if to measure if something is worth my energy, if it's truly worth my time. I kind of punish myself to see if people really need my skillset. I don't really know how to explain it, but I guess I want to feel special, feel important, treated well and properly, not just like anybody or everybody, or somebody. Sometimes, it hurts because I get left out a lot. I keep my silence, I keep my pride. I wonder if it's right or wrong. I feel proud to be strong enough to stay away, but it's pain to not be doing what you love.

FRIENDSHIPS

Nothing as exciting as new friends

Nothing as enduring as old friendships

Now, I understand 

Why people shed tears for stress

I'm always tired, I always want to rest

But some new friends go deeper

But with the old, 

You always know what to get

Life in a nutshell

You could love people 

And not be loved back

You could adore them

And they won't care back

I guess we're all guilty at points

But eventually we have to grow

And a lot of things,

They stop to hurt.

©el-iyanu

KIDDO

You swallow pain quickly, I'm impressed

But I hope you don't carry hatred in your heart

Or repress your emotions 

And bottle it up inside.

Let it go, let it flow

Whatever you want, just let me know

Am I so difficult as I show?

It's an act, just so you know!

Like they all know except you,

You treat me like a stranger

But I'm close to you

Let me help you avoid the dangers!

Do you hear?

©el-iyanu

Sometimes, people think they're so difficult they can't reach out to you, think you're harsh, but that's not always true.

STINGY WITH AFFECTION

You're generous 

But stingy with your affection

One of the best teachers I know

But you can also be negative with your thoughts

I like you a lot to be fair

But there's nothing between us to repair

For to us you've not been fair

No matter how close, you've not been near

But we've settled our differences,

Though you never said the reasons,

You wanted us all to yourself

But you never give your all us

But here we are, friends again.

©el-iyanu

STUNNING

So, I say

I wanna hear the story

She said it's fine 

But her eyes are blurry

Sha has no ordinary mind

Filled to the brim like a lorry

Overflowing with calm

But she thinks it's funny

And it's funny

Can't help but laugh

Cos it's funny

Yeah, I said it's stunning!

She can't help but smile

It's funny—

Like sunrise on clear water

It's stunning

It's funny

Mind on fire

Heart is placid

It's stunning

Beautiful garbage

'Make you smile

Look at the sky

It's stunning

It's sunny, it's funny

Look at you smiling, it's funny

It's nothing but stunning,

Yeah, it's definitely stunning

Alas, my friend,

You're stunning!

© el-iyanu

For my friend, Rahma. She asked me how I do it. How she said something, and I wrote nice things about it. I told her it's God's gift, and so are people like her. Big ups "og."