THE YEAR I BUILT A WALL

I remember the year I built a wall, the year I got fed up. It was a rollercoaster of a year, one that began without an inkling of all the storms that came with. A year I had enough, a year I struck back in kind, a year I lost control, a year I saw beyond the naive, a year I became a man, a year I did the petty like a child, a year I became wizened.

Quite the year, of the highest of personal heights, the lowest of collective lows. A year I escalated some interpersonal conflict, and a year I pled for God's mercy, a year of chaos and stability.

I built a wall to protect myself, to save myself from the syndrome of feeling used, small and embittered. A wall where I didn't always have to accommodate or play the bigger man in a game I didn't know or understand the rules.

In difficult times, you're forced to shed your skin, unlock a version of you you didn't know existed. One which you play by your rules. Or maybe not yours particularly, but by the rules of an unexpected situation you have to confront. There is power in your new dynamic, a force to reckon with, flashing lights for sighters to tread carefully.

The year I built a wall, I had a ton of bricks. I acted out, I regressed in places while growing stronger in other areas simultaneously, all a bit crazy, in all honesty. Like crashing out and trusting God.

Life has a way of strengthening us and humbling us at the same time. Situations we didn't plan for flummoxing us and building us up along the way. Doing bad things you thought you outgrew while growing differently spiritually.

The year I built a wall was pound for pound. I gave as good as I got, sometimes even more. But then I got beat down even more than I bargained for. The year I built a wall, I was also learning what forgiveness was, that my peace was as important as being right, perhaps even more.

It's hard sometimes to differentiate between malice and boundaries, but I guess the confirmation is peace. Peace in your spirit, (The Spirit) and peace in prayer. Love, despite the chaos of people. Of what use is having a wall that keeps God out?

Love the fact that I was able to stand on my own two feet, all the while depending completely on God, even in the period of the unspeakable, and some distance. The wall is beautiful to have, but I'll try to keep my gates open. It is great to have a wall you can open or close, one you can stand on and keep an open mind.