I'M NOT THE ONE WHO BUILT THE WALL

The most powerful man is the single man. He's also the most vulnerable. The most conflicted man is the growing man. He also has enormous potential. 

There is no manual for how people evolve and how relationships change, you only know what you feel and how it affects you and your view of the object of your interest.

I found myself once again in a similar position as of some years ago, a position of yearning. Yearning for something deeper, for someone closer. A bond beyond the ordinary, not necessarily with the official stamp that comes with. Just two people who enjoy each others company, unreasonably so.

You find it sometimes with people, and then you find that they have it already somewhere else, unknown to you. And when it is revealed, things change.

The single one adjudges the change begins with the revealer, unbeknownst to them. The revealer says the change begins with the single one. I cannot speak for the others, but myself. The truth is that the revelation does change interaction, as silences that once seemed normal (or a busy period) is interpreted in the lens of time with the significant other.

An eureka moment begins to dawn, now they feel like know why the long silences, and the single one begins to feel like an interloper. Interactions that were normal become careful, almost forced, but sometimes rooted in consideration. A call out of the blue before, now comes with thought like, is it still my place? Am I allowed? Am I being a bother?

The single one also begins to protect themselves, for every interaction with someone is an emotional deposit that needs return, an energy that needs to be matched, an excitement that needs to be tickled. 

Loving and liking is a choice, and knowledge changes the dynamics. Some relationships grow stronger with that revelation, and boundaries fully respected, some drift apart in that knowledge, stuck in the new dynamics the revelation presents.

I've seen where a single man was relied upon, then treated even lower than a friend. I've seen where he took one like family, and to her he was a known stranger. I've seen one who also took him like family, and their friendship ran its course without hard feelings, and another still going strong, and yet another that evolved but didn't really change, and yet another that progressed through every stage, and got better for it, or even those that stalled and rekindle from time to time on the weight of shared memories, to name but a few.

It's true, in delicate matters, boundaries are essential, but one thing that can be said for sure is that consideration matters. Perhaps it's good to rip the band aid off once and for all and be cold, but sometimes it is good to look at the shared history. Been through so much together, even if never together, shouldn't that count for some?

But the single one can't say for much, they've been single all their lives, and their boundaries can be less developed than others. It's been weird, watching the single one develop emotions that weren't there, pushing boundaries as well, but not minding when the truth was out. Yet again,  they saw the space between silences, and the distance between words. 

The things the weren't said, those were the boundaries that were communicated. They saw the kindness and the respect as well, a consideration of sorts, but like a blanket that warms your chest but not your legs. One way or another, you're still glad, and a little sad as well.

No particular pain at this time, just a curiosity of sorts. Of what it would mean if they sat down together and truly shared their thoughts.

 Once again, in this sort of matter, I'm not the one who built the wall. It just keeps going up in my face. (Am I too eager?) Although, to be fair, this year, I really did build one, but not this one.