WRITING ON THE CLOCK —A CHANGED WOMAN by Yusuff Rahma (Bella Fuego)

(A CHANGED WOMAN)

Four fifty four 

From the screaming corners of my mind,

Four fifty five

I can’t make up my mind on what to write!

Four fifty six— Okay!

I just need the words, c’mon!

Not the usual sadness or heartbreak anymore.

It’s a better feeling:

That you’ve accomplished something 

But you still don’t feel good about "yourself"

You feel better for growing out of that “past self”

You want to write on how much you’ve changed:

But the thought does makes you feel strange 

You’re scared that your indecisiveness will mess with you 

Oh, she’s so stubborn

She still won’t break!

Five oh-four

Four or more different personalities 

She has of herself in her big head

But never mind, 

She’ll still burn, she'll roar 

Go W, you rock!

The “hell” does that even mean?!

But you should be proud of yourself- don’t worry: 

Hear me if I say I’m not making lemonades today

Let me stay mad, she’ll grow!

They don’t have to rhyme, go on!

All hail W, the soft one—

It’s PLACID.

Five oh-nine

We’re freed—

We’re eating good today!

Y. Rahma (Bella Fuego) 

13/07/2023

This is a coming-of-age piece from the author who is a dear friend. A product of thought mindfully expressed in fifteen long minutes. It is an introspective dialogue with her mind, a product of joy and triumph, and the internal war that rages in every man. The tone is light and playful, a funky vibe which embodies the author's very nature, none more so than the hilarious last line (lol!). However it also shows a thoughtful depth, a tribute to the wars fought and lost, to the wars fought and won. 

The first stanza reflects the battle to write from a place of joy and happiness. From a place of freedom, not only sadness. She accepted an offer to write, hoping she'll get inspired by something she read. But even in that struggle, even in those questioning words, something has been written, a victory has been won. Chaos sometimes gives us materials to paint with. 

The second stanza continues the struggle, but here we see the author's  resolve to embrace the joy, to write from a place of happiness. 

The third stanza is a struggle we all deal with, guilty feelings of being happy. Now, the author questions this newly-found happiness, that it isn't authentic because it doesn't come from itself. How we're happy about our new self but guilty because we're happy we left our old self. NF's song 'Happy' explains this phenomenon, how being in agony makes us happy, simply because it's familiar, and we recognize ourselves more in the struggle than in happiness and wonder if we'll still be the same if we're happy. 

The fourth stanza continues the push and pull of emotions, and the resolve to get it right. The fifth brings to mind lyrics from the song Nate— you walk around with the Devil talking on both shoulders... But the persona refuses to budge, as Brymo wrote in his song: God is in your mind, you'll no longer look for self in any mirror... 

The persona moves on doggedly to the happy place, taking pride in her achievements along the way. Using the struggle as fuel, not minding sweetness, Just that the show must go on. 

She concludes goofily with an inside joke with her friend, who mock-threatened that there would be no dinner for her if she doesn't write something today.

In all, it is a lovely piece that expresses the constant struggle that comes with living, our choice and our reaction in the decision of how to live our lives. The struggle was real, now we feast! — Tokede Opeyemi.